Dysfunctional Family
by rabidepicgoose
Summary: The Varia is indeed a dysfunctional family, and when a fellow dysfunctional family comes to visit, all hell breaks loose. Rated T for strong sexual implications and the Varia. Contains XS, D18, 5927, ColoLal, and B26Bromance! Set 5yl. USED TO BE CALLED HUMP HUMP!
1. Chapter 1

As far as Fran was concerned, it was a normal day, his senpai had stabbed him several times, always getting a, "Senpai, stop!" But Fran really never did attempt to stop him.

At lunch, Fran was eating a quiche made by Lussuria, "This is good." Fran said in his usual monotone, before shoveling another bite into his mouth. Bel was sitting next to him occasionally stabbing him with his fork.

"Ushishishi, the prince wants his frog to eat more daintily." Bel stabbed Fran with his fork again.

Fran ignored his senpai, before shoveling more quiche into his mouth. Meanwhile, Lussuria was dancing around the room, singing about some love nonsense.

Fran got up from the table and left, adjusting his hat as he went, Bel left shortly after, heading to his room.

Fran went to the large Varia bathroom, which had a huge whirlpool bathtub in it, Fran turned the water on, before pulling out the bubble bath, which he liberally poured in.

Fran then went to Bel's room to see what kind of stupid thing his senpai was doing. "Beeeeeel seeeenpaaaai." He monotoned, walking into Bel's room, only to see his senpai, naked, humping a frog shaped pillow.

"Hah, hah, aaah..." Bel moaned, not noticing that Fran was right there.


	2. Xanxus in the bath?

Fran turned and left, trying to forget what he just saw, to no avail. He sighed, "Senpai just has to be weird, doesn't he?" Fran then headed back to his bath, only to see that Xanxus was in it, pink bubbles floated around him, as he scrubbed himself, rubber ducky atop his head. Fran's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "Oi trash, pass me my conditioner." Xanxus gestured to a pink bottle that smelled of cherry blossoms. Fran passed him the conditioner, trying to keep a straight face, before dashing out the door. Lussuria skipped past him in, wait, was that a leotard and tutu. Fran rubbed his eyes, but Lussuria was still there. "At least senpai is not as weird as him.." Fran commented to himself.

Bel emerged from his room, fully clothed and normal looking, well as normal as Bel usually looked.

"Ushishishi, time to bother the frog." Bel rubbed his hands together, completely forgetting that about 10 minutes before, he was humping a pillow.


	3. Chapter 3

Squalo was sure he had forgotten something, but he couldn't think of what it was. "VOOIII!" He settled at yelling at Bel, who was walking down the hallway towards Fran, who was watching Lussuria skip down the hall in a tutu. Bel stopped, looked at Squalo, and fell on the floor laughing, "Ushishishi, the shark has no pants on!"

Squalo screamed and ran to his room, leaving Bel in hysterics on the floor. Fran just stared at the scene, before walking away, "Stupid senpai..." He muttered, which earned him a knife in the arm.

Fran decided that it was time to teach senpai a lesson.

**Reviews are welcome!**


	4. Lunch with the varia

Fran searched through the varia cabinets, looking for something. Finding it, Fran slipped it into his uniform. "No one touches Senpai's shampoo, except Senpai." He said to himself, pouring a bottle marked, 'permanent hair dye' into Bel's shampoo bottle. Fran then put it back on its shelf, carrying out the evidence with the trash. When he came back in, Lussuria was dressed normally, and cooking lunch for a bunch of ravenous looking varia. "VOOI! Pass the mustard!" Squalo yelled, brandishing his hamburger, Bel, who had the mustard, was drawing a creepy face on his hamburger. "Ushishishi, the prince is decorating his burger, wait until I'm done, peasant."

Fran sat down next to Levi, who looked dejected, as usual. "Oi, fake prince Senpai, stupid as usual?" He monotoned at Bel, who was finally passing the mustard to a very pissed Squalo. * Stab * * Stab * Bel threw two knives at Fran, where they hit him in the chest. "That wasn't very nice Senpai." Fran said, pulling the knives out. He then proceeded to down his hamburger.

Bel was taking a shower, he rubbed the shampoo into his hair, "Ushishi, the prince must stay clean." he said. When he finished, he toweled dry, got dressed, and looked into the mirror. "THE PRINCE HAS PINK HAIR!" He screamed, and indeed, his hair was neon pink.


	5. Kisses and Dumbo?

**I'm so sorry! I haven't updated in forever! So this one will be extra long. I have changed the rating, because it doesn't need to be rated M. By the way this is set 5 years later, if I haven't already mentioned it.**

**KHR belongs to Akira Amano, not me!**

"Ushishi, the prince will have his revenge." Bel's smile widened evilly, his hands pulling out a few knives.

Fran mentally snickered as a very disgruntled looking Bel marched out of the bathroom, sporting hot pink hair. Bel turned towards him and threw a knife at him, followed by another, they all hit the wall behind Fran, who looked surprised.

"Fake prince senpai, you never miss, why did you miss toda-" Fran was cut off when he realized that he was effectively tied up.

"Ushishishi, frog seems to need a punishment..." Bel cackled, rubbing his hands together.

"Senpai...?" Fran was genuinely afraid, Bel's expression reminded him of Lussuria when he was about to sexually harass somebody, he tried to hold a straight face.

Bel leaned in, getting way too close to Fran's face for comfort, "Senpai, you'd better not be about to do what I think you're gonna d-" Fran was cut off again, but this time by Bel's lips against his.

Fran pushed Bel away, his eyes wide with confusion, fear and surprise. "Okay, I'm gonna go hide in my room now." He said in his usual monotone, cutting the strings with a knife he always kept handy. He then dashed as fast as he could to his room.

_**Scene change**_

Fran sat in a corner of his room, pondering over what had just happened. "I bet it was a joke!" Fran clapped his hands together, and walked out of his room, only to retreat as he saw Lussuria prancing down the hallway in a miniskirt and blouse.

"VOOII! FRAN, COME AND WATCH A MOVIE WITH US!" Squalo yelled up the stairs, "WE'RE WATCHING DUMBO!"

Fran walked down the stairs and sat next to Xanxus, who was reclining on the couch, a glass of tequila in hand. Squalo put the disc in the Blu ray player and sat down on the other side of Xanxus.

The movie started playing, showing a circus with lots of animals. "Bester is way better than any of those animal scum." Xanxus growled, sipping his tequila.

"Voi! Shut up and let us watch!" Squalo yelled, raising his fake hand, which his sword was not attached to, because he stabbed Levi in the arm last time they watched a movie.

The movie continued, showing the other elephants making fun of Dumbo, Bel snickered "Ushishishi,

those peasants are all idiots."

It was like this all the way through the movie, with constant interruptions made by every member of the varia.

Xanxus growled, "That was the dumbest fucking movie I have ever seen." with that, he grabbed Squalo by the hair and dragged him up the stairs, Squalo kicked and screamed all the way.

"Ohoho~ I bet Squalo is in for a long night~" Lussuria giggled, radiating sparkles.

"Well... He is Xanxuses bitch." Fran commented, ignoring the loud swearing and moans coming from upstairs.


	6. Fran's Wares

**I still don't own KHR!**

**Bel and Fran have such a cute bromance.**

Bel was happy, in fact Bel was so happy that he decided to throw two extra knives at Fran that morning to celebrate.

"Ushishi, the prince is in a good mood this morning." Bel snickered and threw a knife at Fran, who was attempting to steal his tiara (IT'S NOT A TIARA IT'S A PRINCELY CROWN, USHISHISHI!).

Fran pulled the knife out of his hat, "Senpai is extra frisky this morning." he monotoned, causing Bel to aim a knife at Fran's crotch, "Ushishi, want this where I'm aiming it." he hissed.

Fran blanched, "Senpai my wares are actually a very important part of my anatomy." he monotoned, covering his crotch with both hands.

Bel was no longer paying attention, and was shoveling Lussuria's chocolate chip pancakes into his mouth. Fran followed suit, but ate the pancakes a bit more slowly. Once they were finished Fran scanned the table, "Squalo seems to missi-" His statement was cut off when a disheveled looking Squalo limped into the room.

"VOOOI! IF ANYONE ASKS ME WHY I'M CUPPING MY ASS, I WILL CUT YOU INTO SHREDS!" Squalo yelled, before gingerly sitting down on his chair.

Xanxus smirked, Lussuria sparkled, Bel became oddly quiet, Levi hid under the table, and Fran looked very blank. Squalo turned bright red, " VOOI, BOSS I'LL NEVER GET LAID IF THIS KEEPS HAPPENING." he yelled.

Xanxus smirked even wider, Squalo paled, Lussuria's sparkle rate increased, Bel covered his eyes, Levi fainted and Fran continued to look blank.

Xanxus grabbed Squalo's hair and dragged him onto the table, Bel peeked through his fingers, Lussuria's sparkle rate continued to increase, Levi woke up, then fainted again and Fran's eye twitched a little.

Xanxus then proceeded to begin a makeout session with Squalo, causing Lussuria to usher everyone out of the dining room. "Ushishishi, why aren't you leaving?" Bel asked, Lussuria promptly shut the door.

2 hours later...

Squalo looked more disheveled than ever, and was missing his shirt, but his voice sure hadn't gotten any quieter.

"VOOI, THE VONGOLA BRATS AND THE CAVALLONE ARE COMING TO VISIT TOMMOROW, WHICH MEANS WE NEED TO CLEAN UP THIS DUMP!" Squalo brandished his sword to prove his point. "I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANY TOYS, STUFF, TRASH OR DIRT IN THE MANSION, SO WE ARE GONNA CLEAN!" Squalo took the sword off his fake hand and grabbed a vacuum cleaner.

The Varia formed a circle, each putting one of their hands in the middle, "VARIA CLEANING OPERATION GO!" They cheered, and proceeded to run off in different directions.

**TBC~**

**I will update if one more person reviews!**


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